“It’s either gonna happen, or it ain’t gonna happen”

Advice from Hollywood movie producer extraordinaire Max Millimeter.

I broke into the business by selling a spec script in 1987 which in Hollywood time is equivalent to the Paleolithic Era. During those first few years, I met a lot of Old School types, one of whom was an elderly film producer named Max Millimeter. A bombastic personality, he was not lacking opinions which he was prone to sharing in mostly politically incorrect ways. But if you peeled away the crude language, there were some tough, but valuable truths in his words. Here is an example (this is a transcription of a late night phone call we had which I recorded).

I’d like to impart some Hollywood wisdom on you. Ready?

[clears throat]

It’s either gonna fucking happen, or it ain’t gonna fucking happen!

That right there is the God’s honest truth about living and working in show biz. It doesn’t matter if you’re the Rolex-wearing, Mercedes-driving, penthouse-partying president of a movie studio sweating out the Friday opening of a two hundred million dollar movie or you’re a pasty-faced, first-time, son-of-a-putz screenwriter pacing in your cockroach infested studio apartment waiting for Ed McMahon to rise up from the dead, ding your doorbell, and announce, “Congratulations, Buck-o. You just sold a spec script!”

It’s either gonna happen, or it ain’t gonna happen.

That two hundred million dollar movie is either gonna be a hit or a flop.

You’re either gonna sell that script or you’re not.

But here’s the deal: It doesn’t matter. Hit or flop, in or out, up or down, you wake up the next morning, and you do what you always do. Get your ass to work!

You get better. You push harder. You fight tougher.

Hey, screenwriter wannabes. You’re used to writing, what, one, two hours a day? Well, guess what. You sell that script, now you write four hours a day. You don’t sell it, you work five.

Yeah, I know you’re holding down a job, you got the wife, the kids, when can you find time to write yada yada.

Guess what? Hollywood doesn’t give a flying fakakta about any of that! They only care about one thing: What can you do for them. And here’s the deal. There are thousands of writers who are trolling the streets from Culver City to Universal City right now, willing to do whatever plus whatever times two to get Mr. Rolex to cut them a big fat check to write “I Sunk Your Battleship 2”.

Which is why I say, it’s either gonna happen, or it ain’t gonna happen.

You’re either gonna write a great script, or you ain’t gonna write a great script. You either gonna become Hollywood’s flavor-of-the-week screenwriter, or you ain’t. It’s that simple.

Now I can hear you out there. You’re whining, “But Max, I can’t control that. Mr. Rolex, he’s the one who decides if I get a gig or what-not.”

To which I humbly reply: My friend, you are two Bradys short of a bunch!

Look, there’s three things that go into being a successful screenwriter, okay? First there’s your Daddy. Next there’s your Mommy. ‘Coz when Daddy slipped Tab A into Mommy’s Slot B, and that squiggly sperm hit that egg… wham! They either gave you the talent DNA or they didn’t.

Now let’s assume they did. What’s the third thing? It ain’t Mr. Rolex. It’s you! Plain and simple. Why? ‘Coz you can’t control the Mr. Rolexes of the world, they are some crazy-ass mofos. Control them? Hell, they can’t even control themselves! And I got a scar that can prove it. But that’s another story.

Nah, the only person who can control anything is you. And how do you do that?

You work your ass off. Work it off! All the way off!

You sell a script? Mr. Ass-Off! You don’t sell a script? Mrs. Ass-Off!

The work is the work is the work. And your work is doing every God damned thing you can to make yourself into the kind of writer even crazy mofo Mr. Rolex has gotta say, “Gimme Ass-Off for this project!”

Bottom line, you can be a Whiny Puke. Or you can be an Ass-Off.

That choice? You control.

A harsh truth, but true nonetheless. There are so many aspects of working in the film and TV business which you cannot control. But you can control the time and effort you put into your work.

As Max used to say: “Here’s the deal. When you aren’t writing … someone else is. If that ain’t enough to motivate you to set your kiester on the chair and type, I don’t know what is.”

Maybe I should go through my Max Millimeter files to see what other words of wisdom he shared with me over the years. What do you think?